Lauren

05/20/2010 The day Buck and were married.

We were married by ourselves by the town clerk/justice of the peace at the Wakefield town hall. And NO ONE knew, not our families or any of our friends. We wanted to keep it very secret and private.

Now, before the rumors start flying (which we all know they WILL), we DID NOT get into trouble!

There are a million reasons why we chose to do things this way. First and foremost are issues with the 3 Fs. Family, Friends, and Finances. We felt that there would be major complications if our families and certain friends were involved with a traditional wedding. Not to mention even the simplest wedding can get very expensive very quickly. I was talking to a patient the other day who got married a couple years ago, and she was telling me she only had 100 people at her wedding but still managed to spend $50,000! We didn't want that. Not to mention, anyone who knows us knows we are not traditional wedding people. We felt that no matter what, we wouldn't be able to have the kind of wedding we wanted, once other people got involved. So this seemed like our best option.

Buck brought up a good point though, he said that if he could go back and change things, the only thing he would change would be that from the very beginning of our engagement, we would tell people that we were going to elope but not say when, just so people would have a heads-up and not be so shocked. And I agree. Sorry we didn't give any warning. Though, a lot of people said they saw it coming. I mean, we have been engaged for 6 months, and Buck just got the apartment.

Anyway, we are very happy that we can start our life together finally. And thank you all for supporting us, for the well wishes, and your understanding in regard to why we did things this way.

Hello out there cyberspace... I really don't have anything in mind to post, so I'm just going to let my mind wander and see what happens....

So, Buck and I are still engaged. We don't have a date set in stone, but we have a month in mind, so we'll see what happens and how it goes. I'm getting sick of being barraged by people going "Have you set a date yet? You need to set a date! Why haven't you? Whats the matter?". Please people! Don't you think we want to? We've just had a few things happen that affected our budget. So any money that we'd set aside for a wedding has been diminished, so it's taking a little longer to figure out what we can do. And I KNOW we don't have to do anything big and fancy, so stop telling me that! We don't want a big fancy wedding. A big wedding is just not us.

And I'm sick of people telling me what I should do. Where/when we should get married. Where we should live. What car we should be driving. I am an adult, contrary to popular belief. I'd like to make my own decisions. And I'd like to make decisions with my future husband. I'd rather not have family and friends telling me what I need to do. Please, BUTT OUT PEOPLE!

And I think all this is contributing to my social anxiety. I've been really struggling with this lately. I don't want to be around ANYONE (except Buck, of course). I had a really bad night one night at the movies with Buck and his parents. We were standing in line with all these people around, and I started to freak out, and I literally had to hide my face in his coat to keep from having a panic attack. And the idea of being out in public scares me sometimes. Its actually kept me from going out in service a few times... And sometimes I don't want to be around friends because it means that I'll have to talk, and some days I don't want to speak a word. I know that's weird, but its how I feel.

At the KH, I'll mostly sit in my seat with my mom, because she's a good buffer. If someone comes and says Hi, at least she's there to carry most of the conversation. Or I'll talk to the same people because I know they're 'safe'. I know this is a terrible attitude, but I can't help how I feel.

I'm afraid of the people I know because I hate the prying questions, "helpful suggestions", and talking. I'm afraid of the people I don't know because they're strangers, and new people are scary.

In summation, some things in my life are changing too rapidly. Some things aren't changing fast enough. Some things I'm just waiting for. So many things are up in the air, and I'm just waiting for them to fall into place. I'm waiting for my new life to start. I wonder if it will ever happen.

Sorry this ended up being so long, and kind of whiny, but I just needed to get this out.

Something I found on dA, thought I'd do it just for the heck of it, cuz I havn't posted anything in awhile...


1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"Broken Heartbeats Sound Like Breakbeats" Los Campesinos!

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"American Hearts" Piebald ('Hey, You're part of it!')

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"The Story So Far" New Found Glory

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"We Both Go Down Together" The Decemberists

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"People Got a Lotta Nerve" Neko Case ('I'm a man-man-man, man-man-man-eater' LOL)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"Teen Titan's Theme" Puffy AmiYumi (When there's trouble, you know who to call...)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"36th st" Reggie and The Full Effect (Hide the children!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Gravity" Dresden Dolls

WHAT IS 2+2?
"Maxwell's Silver Hammer" The Beatles

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"If I Could Turn Back Time" Cher

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"When I Come Around" Greenday

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"If" Pink Floyd

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"All Around The World" Oasis

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Somewhere Across Forever" Stellastarr* ('I'll run away with you')

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Stars" Hum

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"You Really Got Me" The Kinks

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Dad" Goldfinger (Wow, that would be HARSH to play at a funeral)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Million Ways" Ok Go (So want to learn how to do that dance from the vid)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Backwards" Rascal Flatts (Yes, my secret is... I like country music...)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Never Give Up" New Found Glory

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
"End Of A Century" Blur ('...As you get closer to thirty...' Ew, turning 30 is close to being the worst thing that could happen)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"Fuego" - Pitbull (Yeah, I'm kinda a pyro, so fire will prob kill me)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
"Toy Soldiers" - Eminem ('It wasn't my intention, my intentions were good...' applies to so many things...)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
"Blake Says" - Amanda Palmer (Yeah, I laugh at alot of things Blake says)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
"Bones" - The Killers

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
"Here It Goes Again" - Ok Go

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
“Truck Driving Man" - Lynyrd Skynyrd (Truck drivers ARE pretty scary)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
"TV Trays" - Death Cab For Cutie

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"Human Of The Year" - Regina Spektor

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
"House Of Wolves" - My Chemical Romance

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"Jaws Theme Swimming" - Brand New

Last night, November 14th 2009, Joseph Buck Arsenault asked me to marry him. So I don't have to repeat myself a million times, here's the story:

Last night, Buck came to my house, saying that he wanted to go to The Friendly Toast in Portsmouth, NH. But, we had to go to the store with my mom and brother first. Then, once we got back, it got kind of late, and no one was around to go with us to NH. After sitting around (and me becoming more and more grumpy from hunger) and me whining about what we would do about dinner, I suggested Bertucci's. Buck agreed, so we went to the one in Reading. We were seated, and it became apparent that Buck was not happy with this choice. At this point I became very irritated (I feel so horrible about that...) so I said "Listen, I know you're unhappy with this choice, and I just want you to be happy, so make a decision and I'll go there with you. Just PLEASE PICK SOMETHING..." So we got up and left Bertucci's, which was ok because after 5 minutes, our waitress never came over to greet us. So we stood out in the parking lot, in the rain for about 5 more minutes, as I was becoming more impatient, until Buck settled on Fudruckers right across the street. We had a lovely dinner.

Afterward, we went outside to the parking lot and were talking. I was stating my concern of ever falling out of love with each other. "Jon and Kate used to love each other, and look what happened to them! Promise me you'll love me forever and never leave me" Buck: "I promise" *Fishes around in his coat pocket and pull out the ring box* "Will you be with me forever?" I swear my heart stopped. All I could do was kiss him, but eventually I managed to say "OF COURSE!"

So thats how it happened. I'm so happy... I can't wait to marry my best friend.

I hate when people talk about other people. I admit, sometimes I fall into the trap of gossip, but I hate myself afterward. But I hate when people do it for fun. Its a terrible pastime. 

And I hate it even more now, because people like to idly gossip about people in relationships. And it doesn't help when people who are close to you like to give EVERYONE the play by play of whats happening. Stuff that should be kept between to two people actually IN the relationship.

If one more person says "Congratulations on getting engaged!", or comes running up to me looking for a ring, I'm gonna slap the person perpetuating these rumors... I'M NOT ENGAGED! Don't listen to what other people are saying! When it happens, trust me, I'll let you know!

Hello world. I haven't post anything for a while, but rest assured, I'm not dead.

Buck and I have been together for almost 6 months now, And I've never been happier. And I've never been busier. I keep hoping to get all these different things accomplished, but when I step back and see all that needs to be done along with what I want to do, I get over whelmed and end up doing nothing. Go figure. I know I have to break that bad habit.

I'm starting to learn how to cook, so that's exciting. I've learned to make a basic tomato sauce and eggplant parm. I need to build on that. I want to be a capable wife.

I haven't been doing much writing lately. As I've said in the past, sadness is my greatest muse. But since I've been so happy, I've lacked inspiration. But I do want to start writing again. So I'll see what I can come up with.

I also got to meet my musical hero last month, Amanda Palmer. I won tickets, via twitter  (www.twitter.com/PunkyDrumrChik) to a private show in Cambridge. After the show, she was taking pictures with people and signing autographs. I got to talk to her and got her autograph. She was so nice. She even kissed me on the cheek, lol. I love her, shes so amazing. Here's a link to the pic twitpic.com/7fxmx

Anyway, thats whats been happening lately. So... bye for now.

"I'm getting dumber as I get older", so said Piebald. Thats how I've been feeling lately.

I used to be able to hold a reasonably intelligent conversation with some one. Now its all just "Heh, awesome" or "crap, what was I gonna say?" I swear I'm losing brain cells faster than I should be. I keep joking about it, but really, at the moment, my biggest fear is to be a drooling moron by the time I'm 30....



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Now playing: Piebald - Karate Chops For Everyone But Us
via FoxyTunes    

You hold me in your arms
And somehow, I feel so small
Like I could just disappear
And be consumed by you

I don't understand how you can look at me
Like you've never seen beauty before
Like a child seeing life for the first time
With wonder and hope and awe

I could stare into your eyes
For a lifetime and it wouldn't be enough
For they puzzle me with their widening and squinting
Dying to know what is in that head of yours

Please speak, and let me know that you're real
Tell me everything you think, know, feel
Taste, see, hear, smell
I want to know your insides

I love your bones, muscles,
Skin, mouth, eyes, ears,
Lips, teeth, hair, and hands
Everything that makes you you

Please reassure me that I'm not dreaming
That I'm fully awake and alert
Touch me and make me believe
That you really love me, and you'll never leave

Well, its been over a month since my last post. Its amazing how far poetry can get you...

Buck and I started dating on January 15, and it has been nothing but wonderful ever since. I feel like I'm floating on a beautiful fluffy cloud. And we are crazy in love.

So, to address some of the things that have been said about us so far, we are not engaged. C'mon people, its only been a month. And to those taking bets on whether or not we are "going to make it" (going to get married) I can tell you right now, we are. But give it a year, we wouldn't want to rush things, now would we? And no, I'm not pregnant, moving to Alabama, or secretly in love with Michael Jackson.

Honestly, it makes me so sad to know that some of the people I consider my good friends like to spread such gossip. Seriously, it shouldn't be like this in the truth.

And to all those who like to spread such rumors, don't worry, you'll get yours when/if you start dating... just keep that in mind...

If you hear anything in the future about Buck and I, and you're not sure if its true, please be considerate and come to us for the truth.

But whatever happens, I know that Buck and I love each other, and that's all that matters, so to everyone else :P

My heart feels like its going to burst
With what I need to say
But when I begin to open up my lips
It seems my tongue is in the way

I can't quite bring myself
To utter whats in my heart
I become quite flustered
I just don't know where to start

I look at you
And my stomach becomes a knot
I'm trying to keep it together
With all that I've got

You brush my hand
I nearly lose my mind
I catch your eyes
I nearly go blind

I can't catch my breath
When you say my name
My heart palpitates
Wondering if you feel the same

Oh that this tongue of mine
Would work like it should
Then I'd tell you how I feel
Then maybe my body would be good